Fuck it.

I hate feeling like this.
Like no one cares about how I feel, or how their actions make me feel.
It's gone on for two weeks now.
I just can't stop feeling like this.
I'm trying so hard to be happy.
But I can't find it.
It's not even as if my life is terrible at the moment.
My life is great.
I have good friends, great family and a boyfriend who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
And I know I've got a good life.
But I just don't feel anything.
I want to feel.

Finally got my tattoo.
I love it.


It really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Actually the pain was really bearable and a little enjoyable.
I'm getting more done.

I'm off to uni soon.
I'm quite excited.

10.

Ten weeks left.
Ten weeks left and then that's it.
The next step.
The first step of my new life.
Not just at uni, but with him.
I'm excited and terrified at the same time.
Took a stroll round Sheffield the other day.
It just seemed empty to me.
Like even though I've grown up here, it doesn't feel like home.
I've got many memories of this place, but they just feel like photographs.
Things I look at, but don't quite remember being there.
I can't wait to go to London.
Three years spent in the city I love.
I can't describe how excited I am.
It's going to be a brand new me too.
New tattoo.
New hair.
New outlook.
10 more weeks.

10.

Ten weeks left.
Ten weeks left and then that's it.
The next step.
The first step of my new life.
Not just at uni, but with him.
I'm excited and terrified at the same time.
Took a stroll round Sheffield the other day.
It just seemed empty to me.
Like even though I've grown up here, it doesn't feel like home.
I've got many memories of this place, but they just feel like photographs.
Things I look at, but don't quite remember being there.
I can't wait to go to London.
Three years spent in the city I love.
I can't describe how excited I am.
It's going to be a brand new me too.
New tattoo.
New hair.
New outlook.
10 more weeks.

Regeneration

Support

Today has been one of those days where I've had tonnes of work to do but no motivation to do it.
I have a video to make and a portfolio to go over, but I've hardly done anything.
I need to go to Staples.
Night at the Museum is on.
I've got my interview at East London tomorrow.
I'm quite nervous.
I need this.

Inspiration

I need help.

Grasp

I feel like I'm losing hold of everything.
Losing control.
I know I need to let go for things to be fine.
But I'm scared that if I let go I'll lose everything.
All this distance is really getting to me.
That and not knowing my futture.
I think that if I knew what was happening next year, if I was certain that things would be okay then maybe I woudln't be so stressed and worrying.
I woudln't be messing everything up.
I just need to be paitent and hope.
I need to let go.

Retch

I'm getting really nervous now.
I'm not sure if I could take all rejections.

Chelsea Foundation: REJECTED
Chelsea BA Fine Art: REJECTED
Camberwell Foundation: REJECTED
UEL BA Fine Art: Yet to get an interview
London Met BA Fine Art: Application yet to be sent off.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I get all rejections.

:D

Not long left till I'm bacvk where I belong.
This weekend is going to be lovely.

I can't wait.

This made me smile, well the last bit did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Drn0b_uCjew&feature=player_embedded

"No he's American and a boy."

Relief

I feel so much better.
It's a miracle what watching The Notebook can do to you.

Simple as.

I am a cunt.

Earlier, Astin brought up how he's found it really hard to talk to me recently.
He's right.
I've made it difficult for everyone.
He's not the only one to bring it up.
I've been trying so hard to handle all this on my own, try not to depend on anyone and I've just made everything worse.

I am a cunt.

Creational Hatred

I feel like such a cunt.
I just feel like I've been treating people like shit recently.
I feel like I've been so self involved, ignoring people and not helping them.
I should be doing more, thinking about people more, helping them more, seeing them more.
Just doing all I can.
But I haven't.



But at the same time, I feel like I've bee ignoring myself.
I've not been doing stuff to make me happy.
I've felt ignored.
I've felt like no-ones really realised how stressed I feel, how lost I feel.
I just want to feel like I'm being paid attention too.

There I go again with the self pity.

God I complain way too much.

I did some photograms today, they came out pretty well.
I've got quite a bit of work to finish in the next few days/weeks.

I can't wait till I've finished college, I've got into uni and I'm able to relax.

Restart

I’ve been quite distant lately. I’ve felt detached, disconnected, despondent.
I don't know why, I can't pin point it on anything, I just feel distant.
It seems to be affecting everything as well.
I went to the cinema on Saturday and then for a meal with my family and I just didn't feel completely there.
At work I became a drone, not thinking, just doing. Serving people, walking round hanging clothes back up.
Then when I got home I'd just sit there, staring at the TV.
The next day I went to a gallery, saw my grandparents and went over to Linnea's.
The only time I felt normal when I was just sat listening to Linnea talk.

I'm trying my hardest not to be like this, not to be distant and in turn push people away, but I'm scared it's already happening.
I think I just need to snap out of it.
It's probably just because of all my hormones, I want things to happen and I can feel them slipping through my fingers.
I'm scared.

I really don't know why I feel like this.
I'm happy with most things.
I've got an amazing relationship with a guy who I want to spend forever with. I've never been so happy with anyone before.
College is going okay, yes I'm stressed about my FMP and getting into uni, but I'm getting on with stuff, I'm getting into my project.
My family and friends are good, we've been going out quite a bit and we've never been closer.

I think this is all the realisation that in a few months I'm going to be at uni.
I'm not going to have some of this any more.
Everyone is going somewhere different, I'm moving to London, Becky and Faiza to Nottingham, Linnea is staying in Sheffield.
I'm moving away from all my friend and family.
I know it's only for a little bit and I have to move forward.
But it's just a bit hard to accept.
I am glad to be moving down to London because not only will I be going to uni and in a city I love, but I'll be with Astin. We'll properly be able to start our life together and the thought of that alone makes me smile.
It is all worth it.

It's just hard.

I'm not going to let this go on much longer.
This is one of those things that you have on your shoulders and until you confront it, it stays with you.
Well this is me confronting it.

Disaster.

I hate my hormones.

I'm going to need all the luck I can get today in my interview.



/Update

I didn't get it, but I'm surprisingly okay with it all.

:)

It's a few days before my Chelsea interview and at the moment I'm not fazed at all.
I know that come Friday morning I'll be petrified but I've been feeling pretty good about stuff lately. I've been in a mood where I really believe I can do most anything. It's good. I really believe that I can get into Chelsea, Camberwell, East London, wherever! And if I don't it's not the end of the world, I just hope they do accept me.

That'd be amazing.
Being accepted to Chelsea/Camberwell.

I've got quite a bit of work to do tomorrow, I've got to get as much as I can into my new sketchbook, it's completely empty at the moment.
I've got all my ideas, I've just got to get them down.
It'll be my first time working with video, which might not be the best idea as it could be a complete fail, but it's a new challenge and something I really want to do.



Life's been good recently.
I'm coming to terms with the whole "living away from home", I'm going to miss this place though.
Alice and Hugh are playing on the Wii, Mario Kart to be precise, it's my game next.
God I'm really going to miss them.
I know I haven't been the best sister, jetting off, locking myself in my room to do my work, sleeping, working and just generally not being with them as much, but I'm going to miss them.
They annoy the hell out of me.
But they're my little squirts.

It's nice to think that in a few months things will be better though.
Yes I'll be away from home, my friends and family, but I'll make new friends, I'll be doing something I love, in a place I love and most importantly, nearer to the one I love.

Things between us have never been better, yes we've had a few tumbles recently, but the short amount of time it's taken us to get over them has been amazing. And once we are over them it is like nothing has happened. We're still as in love with each other as we ever were, more so in fact.

I've never been so in love.

Life is really good.

I really should be doing work, but I'm going to beat my brother and sister on the Wii.

I'll do work later.

But now I leave you with this.

Fail.

Fuck.

Just got my Camberwell clearing interview.
30th April 2pm.
On friday I have my Chelsea interivew.
I'm well nervous.

Alice in Wonderland

Something else I stumbled across today.
Blog.

Isn't it just beautiful?


I'm finishing my FMP proposal right now, it's sucking the life out of me. I really can't be bothered to finish writting about what artists I want to look at.
But alas I have to do it.
Ash will go crazy if I don't.

After this I've got my photography project to complete, when I say complete I mean stick it all together and write shit loads.

Wish me luck.



/Update 1

The Paper Cinema
Amazing.

Proposal done, photography here I come.


/Update 2

Couldn't be bothered with photography, just cut up my photos.
Watched 300 instead, visually amazing.
I should be off to bed soon, but I'm going to wait up for my phone call, that is if I get one.

Regaining faith

I stumbled across this site from Gillean's Twitter.
It's one of those things that really makes you think, about how there is hope, how we're not all rude, ignorant and self involved. It honestly makes me smile.

tweenbots