Monday, 27 April 2009


I’ve been quite distant lately. I’ve felt detached, disconnected, despondent.
I don't know why, I can't pin point it on anything, I just feel distant.
It seems to be affecting everything as well.
I went to the cinema on Saturday and then for a meal with my family and I just didn't feel completely there.
At work I became a drone, not thinking, just doing. Serving people, walking round hanging clothes back up.
Then when I got home I'd just sit there, staring at the TV.
The next day I went to a gallery, saw my grandparents and went over to Linnea's.
The only time I felt normal when I was just sat listening to Linnea talk.

I'm trying my hardest not to be like this, not to be distant and in turn push people away, but I'm scared it's already happening.
I think I just need to snap out of it.
It's probably just because of all my hormones, I want things to happen and I can feel them slipping through my fingers.
I'm scared.

I really don't know why I feel like this.
I'm happy with most things.
I've got an amazing relationship with a guy who I want to spend forever with. I've never been so happy with anyone before.
College is going okay, yes I'm stressed about my FMP and getting into uni, but I'm getting on with stuff, I'm getting into my project.
My family and friends are good, we've been going out quite a bit and we've never been closer.

I think this is all the realisation that in a few months I'm going to be at uni.
I'm not going to have some of this any more.
Everyone is going somewhere different, I'm moving to London, Becky and Faiza to Nottingham, Linnea is staying in Sheffield.
I'm moving away from all my friend and family.
I know it's only for a little bit and I have to move forward.
But it's just a bit hard to accept.
I am glad to be moving down to London because not only will I be going to uni and in a city I love, but I'll be with Astin. We'll properly be able to start our life together and the thought of that alone makes me smile.
It is all worth it.

It's just hard.

I'm not going to let this go on much longer.
This is one of those things that you have on your shoulders and until you confront it, it stays with you.
Well this is me confronting it.

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